Those Austrians are going down from Bird Flu...or are they?

And now, proof that alcohol is universally addictive; at least in mammals. Vienna was in an uproar the other day when birds started dropping from the sky and showing up dead all over town. The panic was so great, the civic fear so huge, that they immediately cloned Hitler and installed him as Furher to guide them through the thick haze of pandemonium that stopped every citizen dead in their tracks. His first decree was to blame the Jews, which met with a warm reception from the populace, especially from the elderly, who at that point began to whimsically reminisce about the "good old days" when everything that went wrong was obviously the fault of the Jews. "Nowadays, what with terrorists crashing planes and Sasha Cohen getting a freakin silver medal after falling twice in the short program, you just never know who to blame. Who can keep track of it all?" Wonders 88 year old longtime Vienna native Hans von Klechtenbrau. "And don't even get me started on Bonds." When reminded about the birds, the old man said, "Oh, the Jews are definitely to blame for this though." None of them could be more wrong. It turns out that these birds were actually football hooligans from Manchester, making a pit stop in Vienna to get totally tanked off the fermenting berries that fall from trees all over town. This was proven out when a local naturalist examined the birds and found broken necks and livers so scarred that they made Hemingway's look like a newborn's. Birds have a natural capacity to orient themselves to the Earth's polar magnetic field as an innate means of navigation. I wonder if these birds were also able to pick up radio waves emanating from a local public radio station, where dead at the switch was an intern who, in an unrelated incident, had been killed by bird flu. As he collapsed and released his bowels in death, the slick now forming on the seat of his pants caused him to slump over the soundboard, accidentally pressing the "repeat" button. The song on continuous repeat was Cloudberries by the Super Furry Animals.

http://www.discover.com/web-exclusives/drunk-birds/